BONUS: Finding Mr. Christmas: Episode 1 & 2 Review (Feat. Alonso Duralde & Dave White)

[00:00:05] Hello Deck The Hallmark. We are Decky winners, Alonso Duralde and Dave White, and the board at Deck The Hallmark has asked us to provide recaps for the new Hallmark Plus reality series, Finding Mr. Christmas. So the first two episodes drop on Halloween, when else? And here's a quick rundown of what happened.

[00:00:25] In Episode 1, we meet all the guys. This is a two episode thing that we're doing for you by the way. They dropped both episodes. In Episode 1, we meet all the dudes. I wrote down their names. Not that it matters, because they're all gonna go away eventually.

[00:00:46] Except one.

[00:00:46] Except one. First thing you notice about all these guys, here are their names. Parker, Jonathan, Isaac, Gage, Daxton, Elijah, David, Hayden, Blake, and Ezra. They all have serious skin care regimens.

[00:01:01] Mmm.

[00:01:02] They are going to be jumping through a lot of hoops. Each episode, they're gonna do a festive face-off. And then they're gonna do a star quality challenge.

[00:01:14] It's worth noting that in the first two episodes, the winner of the festive face-off winds up in the bottom three. So I'm wondering if people are gonna start sabotaging themselves.

[00:01:25] Like, oh no, my glue gun set fire to my Dickens village. I guess I lose.

[00:01:29] Yep.

[00:01:30] At the end, host Jonathan Bennett tells you to take your stocking and go home for the holidays.

[00:01:39] If you lose.

[00:01:41] If you lose.

[00:01:42] Why am I here?

[00:01:46] Well, because the winner of this competition is gonna be co-starring with Miss Jessica Lowndes in the upcoming Happy Howlidays, which Dave White will be reviewing on the Deck the Hallmark podcast.

[00:01:58] It's the last movie of the season.

[00:02:00] I feel like I was tricked somehow.

[00:02:02] So you have a stake in this.

[00:02:04] Like, I was given the annual doggy movie.

[00:02:07] And they're like, oh yeah, by the way, it also stars the dude who wins finding Mr. Christmas.

[00:02:16] I am not a conspiracy theorist.

[00:02:19] I just touched my lab mic.

[00:02:20] I apologize for that.

[00:02:21] I'm not a conspiracy theorist, but I've lived in Los Angeles long enough to know how reality competitions work.

[00:02:28] Yeah.

[00:02:29] And here's what I think happened.

[00:02:31] I think they cast the guy for Happy Howl days.

[00:02:35] And then they got nine other guys to say and told them, hey, do you want to be on a reality show?

[00:02:41] That'd be great for you.

[00:02:42] You're real.

[00:02:43] We already have the winner.

[00:02:45] Act surprised when you get set back in.

[00:02:48] That's what I think happens.

[00:02:49] I know.

[00:02:50] I have no proof of this at all.

[00:02:52] No, none.

[00:02:53] But that is what I think happens.

[00:02:54] In the meantime.

[00:02:56] It's entertaining.

[00:02:56] Let me give you that.

[00:02:58] In the meantime, the real winner of this show is Jonathan Bennett.

[00:03:03] Oh yeah.

[00:03:03] Dude has big host energy.

[00:03:07] Mm-hmm.

[00:03:07] Okay.

[00:03:08] He's a presenter.

[00:03:09] And I admire people who have what I do not have.

[00:03:14] I'm not envious.

[00:03:15] Like, I don't know that I could ever imagine myself being a host of anything.

[00:03:19] Yeah.

[00:03:19] Other than a podcast of serious cinema.

[00:03:26] But I like his...

[00:03:28] He's got it under control.

[00:03:30] He's got everybody under control here.

[00:03:32] Yeah.

[00:03:33] And he's wearing a really amazing sweater in episode two.

[00:03:38] Yeah.

[00:03:39] Yeah.

[00:03:39] Once they ditch the funny, ugly sweater bit, he puts on a really great, like, I want that

[00:03:43] sweater.

[00:03:44] Yeah.

[00:03:44] Alonzo's like, ooh.

[00:03:46] Yeah.

[00:03:46] And then Melissa Peterman is providing a lot of horny Hallmark fan energy, which I think

[00:03:52] is really important as a surrogate for many of the viewers of this show.

[00:03:57] You know, the dudes are the dudes who would show up for this kind of reality show.

[00:04:02] We...

[00:04:02] It's almost a drinking game in episode one.

[00:04:04] How many times are they going to mention that Elijah was in Hamilton?

[00:04:10] Yes, because he was.

[00:04:11] Yes.

[00:04:11] Which gives him the edge over...

[00:04:13] Sure.

[00:04:14] Yes.

[00:04:14] Clearly this guy's got performing shots.

[00:04:15] He's toured for five years in Hamilton.

[00:04:17] Yeah.

[00:04:17] They just bring it up a lot.

[00:04:19] They don't bring it up in episode two.

[00:04:20] He's going to win, or it's going to be that guy Parker...

[00:04:24] With the big mustache.

[00:04:25] ...who's the model.

[00:04:26] Like, he's...

[00:04:27] And there are a couple of other models, but he's the model in the group.

[00:04:30] Like, you could open up that L.L. Bean catalog or whatever, or I don't even know what catalog

[00:04:39] you would open up.

[00:04:40] You would see that guy.

[00:04:42] Yeah.

[00:04:43] In the same way that Daxton is the gay contestant...

[00:04:46] I probably just insulted him by telling him he should be in the L.L. Bean catalog.

[00:04:49] No, that's a good gig.

[00:04:51] It is a good gig.

[00:04:52] Yeah.

[00:04:52] In the same way that Daxton is, you know, the gay contestant, but come on.

[00:04:57] There's got to be a few other gays.

[00:04:59] I've got to say this about gays.

[00:05:06] I love how Jonathan Bennett is very openly pulling for the gay.

[00:05:11] Yes.

[00:05:12] And you know why that is?

[00:05:13] Because gays got to be nice to each other.

[00:05:16] Yes.

[00:05:16] They got to stick together.

[00:05:18] Solidarity.

[00:05:18] Community.

[00:05:19] Yeah.

[00:05:19] Community, solidarity, all that stuff.

[00:05:21] All right.

[00:05:21] Let's talk about the challenges.

[00:05:23] Sure.

[00:05:24] First was an ugly sweater challenge in episode one.

[00:05:27] And it was dumb and everyone made an ugly...

[00:05:30] An ugly sweater that wasn't fun, ugly, just ugly, ugly.

[00:05:33] I was amazed that more of them didn't remove the sleeves.

[00:05:37] Because there's a lot of gun show in this show.

[00:05:39] Here is the second episode's thing.

[00:05:42] The gift wrap challenge.

[00:05:43] Oof.

[00:05:44] Now, I need to say something to all men.

[00:05:50] Get it together.

[00:05:52] Get it together.

[00:05:56] It makes me angry when I see a guy, any guy, be like, I don't know what I'm doing.

[00:06:04] I'm just going to put it in a bag.

[00:06:07] Or, I'm just going to make it look as ugly and stupid as possible so that you think I'm adorable.

[00:06:12] No.

[00:06:13] None of those options work anymore.

[00:06:15] Learn how to wrap a gift.

[00:06:16] It's 2024.

[00:06:17] Figure out your life.

[00:06:19] Set your priorities.

[00:06:20] All you people out there who think, oh, I love Christmas so much.

[00:06:24] No, you don't.

[00:06:26] Not until you learn to wrap a gift properly.

[00:06:28] And I'm going to go back on what I just said about gays being nice to gays.

[00:06:35] This gay on this show cannot wrap a gift.

[00:06:38] No, no.

[00:06:39] And he tries to dazzle camouflage the judges with the gift by making streamers and lots of bows and stuff.

[00:06:45] Gay, you're letting down the side.

[00:06:47] Yeah.

[00:06:48] By not being able to wrap a gift.

[00:06:49] It's not rocket science, y'all.

[00:06:50] You can figure this out.

[00:06:52] Because this is Hallmark Plus, we're not going to get the usual sort of like backbiting and craziness that we're accustomed to on your bachelors or your survivors or whatnot.

[00:07:01] However.

[00:07:02] However, the producers are going out of their way to make Gage look like a total tool.

[00:07:06] He's a guy named Gage.

[00:07:09] He knows he's hot.

[00:07:11] Yes.

[00:07:11] He talks about how hot he is.

[00:07:13] Yes.

[00:07:13] He can't fathom that he somehow got in the bottom two in the photo challenge.

[00:07:18] Because he's so hot.

[00:07:19] Because he's so hot.

[00:07:20] Also, he won't shut up about how his mother was a professional gift wrapper and his gift is garbage.

[00:07:25] Terrible.

[00:07:25] Terrible.

[00:07:27] But I'd like another word about hot people.

[00:07:29] All hot people need to shut up.

[00:07:34] Because you've been told you were hot from the time you were probably like 13, right?

[00:07:40] The minute you become a teenager, people are like, oh, hello.

[00:07:43] Oh, hey.

[00:07:43] Yeah.

[00:07:44] Other teens are like, I would like to kiss that person.

[00:07:49] And when somebody hands you a card, you become a model.

[00:07:52] Right.

[00:07:52] Exactly.

[00:07:53] And so, you already won.

[00:07:57] You already won.

[00:07:58] The genetic lotto.

[00:07:59] Yeah, yeah.

[00:08:00] So, what you have to do now for the rest of your life is shut your mouth.

[00:08:04] Yes.

[00:08:04] At least fake some humility.

[00:08:06] Be hot.

[00:08:07] Enjoy all the privileges that come with being hot.

[00:08:09] And you are having them whether you realize them or not.

[00:08:11] You're on this show.

[00:08:13] But do shut up.

[00:08:15] And so, Gage, we already now know, is not going to win.

[00:08:21] Because they are editing him.

[00:08:24] Because I'm sure everyone else in the cast has said something equally ridiculous about themselves.

[00:08:29] Yeah.

[00:08:29] Equally sort of self-serving.

[00:08:31] But they've chosen him to be the, I'm putting this word in quotes because it doesn't really count, villain.

[00:08:38] Right.

[00:08:38] There will be no villain on this show.

[00:08:40] The regular reality show rules don't apply.

[00:08:44] Yeah, I don't think.

[00:08:45] Unless they all start fighting and backbiting.

[00:08:47] And that would be actually really hilarious.

[00:08:48] That'd be awesome.

[00:08:49] But no, I think they're just going to give us a character that we can roll our eyes at.

[00:08:52] For those of you who are Hallmark fans, you get Aaron Cahill in episode one, who is doing scene work with all the contestants, which goes about as well as you might imagine.

[00:09:01] Although a couple of them nail it.

[00:09:03] The winner of that challenge is the Australian who sat about the dog.

[00:09:07] Cry guy.

[00:09:07] Cry guy.

[00:09:08] Him.

[00:09:09] I know I listed their names at the beginning.

[00:09:11] We've already forgot.

[00:09:12] But I don't.

[00:09:13] Yeah.

[00:09:14] And then episode two, Tyler Hines comes in to do a photo shoot.

[00:09:16] But what's hilarious about that is that like Tyler Hines has a specific niche in Hallmark that isn't about being like, you know, the guy in the L.L. Bean catalog.

[00:09:27] I mean, he's attractive, obviously, but he is not like that kind of blandly model hot.

[00:09:32] He brings a little danger to it.

[00:09:34] Right.

[00:09:35] You kind of think he's dirty.

[00:09:37] A little bit.

[00:09:37] He's dirty.

[00:09:38] Yeah.

[00:09:39] And that's a plus.

[00:09:40] And that is good.

[00:09:41] Like you have to, you have to sublimate the sexuality for these movies.

[00:09:46] Based on the snippets I've seen of them.

[00:09:49] Um, but if you can carry it around and kind of radiate it a little bit, it makes you very attractive.

[00:09:56] Yeah.

[00:09:57] And that's exactly what he does.

[00:09:58] Of course, none of these other guys are there yet.

[00:10:01] No.

[00:10:01] And maybe they never will be.

[00:10:02] Maybe it's innate.

[00:10:04] Mm-hmm.

[00:10:05] Yeah.

[00:10:05] So a couple things that come to mind here just in the overall scope of things.

[00:10:10] First of all, in the first two weeks we vote off two contestants of color.

[00:10:13] Not a good look, uh, finding Mr. Christmas, but what are you going to do?

[00:10:17] Uh, and second of all, I wonder how much of a, of a career any of these guys are going

[00:10:23] to have in this apart from the one guy who's from Vancouver.

[00:10:25] And I only say this not as a just not.

[00:10:27] But they already kicked him off.

[00:10:29] Oh, really?

[00:10:29] That's David.

[00:10:30] He got kicked off this week.

[00:10:31] Well, see, here's the thing.

[00:10:32] Here's, here's the, here's the rule about Hallmark movies that people don't necessarily

[00:10:35] know.

[00:10:36] Yeah.

[00:10:36] Most of them are shot in Canada.

[00:10:38] And when they are to get like the big Canadian tax breaks that they're all wanting, one of

[00:10:44] your two leads has to be Canadian, which is why whenever you see like Lacey Chabert or

[00:10:50] like a well-known, you know, beloved American sitcom actress, her leading man is always,

[00:10:55] always, always Canadian.

[00:10:57] That's why Nikki Deloach is always paired with like Andrew Walker.

[00:11:00] Right.

[00:11:00] Um, so one of these.

[00:11:01] I just said, right.

[00:11:02] Like I know who anyone is.

[00:11:03] Of course.

[00:11:04] So if one of these guys, who is correct, if the winner is American or Australian, then

[00:11:10] that means the leading lady is going to have to be Canadian.

[00:11:12] And I think that limits the choices because in these movies, I think they always cast the

[00:11:17] woman first.

[00:11:19] So, uh, you know, I, I just, I think that the logistical thing that will never come up

[00:11:23] in the course of the show, but it's something to bear.

[00:11:27] Anyway, that's it.

[00:11:28] Yeah.

[00:11:28] Uh, we're going to follow this thing all the way through all the way to the end.

[00:11:32] So, uh, we hope you'll join us.

[00:11:35] Thanks for watching.

[00:11:36] And, uh, yeah.

[00:11:37] Keep watching deck.

[00:11:38] The hallmark.

[00:11:38] Go Jonathan Bennett.

[00:11:40] Go.

[00:11:41] Woo.

[00:11:41] Go.

[00:11:42] Go gays.

[00:11:43] Yeah.

[00:11:49] You're about to hear some ads that help keep the lights on here in the old studio.

[00:11:54] Thanks for listening or don't listen.

[00:11:57] It's really up to you at this point.

[00:11:59] It's at the end of the show.

[00:12:00] I mean, you're listening to me.

[00:12:02] Hi, but here they come.

[00:12:04] I promise they're coming.

[00:12:05] Yep.

[00:12:05] Here they are.

[00:12:06] Happy day.