BONUS: Finding Mr. Christmas: Episode 3 Review (Feat. Alonso Duralde & Dave White)

[00:00:04] Welcome everybody, I'm Alonso Duralde, that's Dave White and we're here with Episode 3 of Finding Mr. Christmas, recapping for Deck The Hallmark. Welcome.

[00:00:15] They're dropping like flies. Yes, we lost our gay, well, our openly gay contestant at the very beginning for medical reasons.

[00:00:23] Daxton has an eye problem. He detached a retina. Yeah, retinal detachment. And they send her to the hospital

[00:00:31] and then everyone gives a memorial fist bump. Yes. For Dax. They take down his stocking in a very moving and manly ceremony.

[00:00:41] Tomorrow they will forget his existence, totally. But then, my personal favorite, Gage. Gage is back for it.

[00:00:54] Gage is ready to rumble. Gage is ready to recalibrate his situation. Gage clearly got shown the footage from the previous episode. Yeah.

[00:01:04] He says, I was too cocky. Yeah. Time to re-strategize.

[00:01:11] Gage, for the next episode. Yeah.

[00:01:11] And then he says, but you know what? Having Daxton gone is a great opportunity for me.

[00:01:18] Gage. I do wonder if we're gonna get an episode where nobody gets eliminated to make up for this,

[00:01:23] or if losing someone to a medical emergency was just factored in all the way. I don't know. I don't know.

[00:01:29] And if nothing else, it gives our Australian Hayden something else to cry about.

[00:01:36] So they give, which by the way, I've developed a new conspiracy theory. Oh.

[00:01:42] Yeah. Based on my first conspiracy theory about how this is all just set up and rigged.

[00:01:47] It was reverse engineered from whoever they're gonna cast in Happy Howl it is.

[00:01:51] And so the really, really like on the money dudes are like, all right, well, since I know I'm not gonna win,

[00:01:58] I need to get some camera time by doing other things such as crying on cue. Yeah.

[00:02:04] Watch how good I am at that. So cry guy just can just do it like this, like on the waterworks begin. Yeah.

[00:02:13] Now, as Jonathan Adler once said of a contestant on America's Next Top Pottle,

[00:02:18] his tear ducts are attached to his bladder.

[00:02:23] We could be completely wrong. These could be authentic human beings.

[00:02:27] Yes. With real tears.

[00:02:28] With real tears having real emotions over real problems in their real lives. We don't know.

[00:02:33] But it's more fun on a recap of a reality competition show to propagate conspiracy theories.

[00:02:41] Especially for a reality show that is designed to choose someone to get an acting role

[00:02:45] where almost none of the competitors are actual working actors.

[00:02:48] Right.

[00:02:49] So here come the challenges. Tangled Christmas lights.

[00:02:52] Yes.

[00:02:53] Everybody's been there.

[00:02:54] Except me. I need to explain something to you.

[00:02:57] Here's how you do it.

[00:02:58] Get a paper towel.

[00:03:00] A tube.

[00:03:00] A tube, right?

[00:03:02] And when you're done with your light, wrap it around the tube.

[00:03:08] And then get some rubber bands and affix them to the ends.

[00:03:11] Store it nicely.

[00:03:13] Softly.

[00:03:14] You can even wind it through the tube if you want.

[00:03:17] Protecty.

[00:03:17] I don't know what you're talking about.

[00:03:19] String the lights through the middle of the tube.

[00:03:21] Not if you've got the lights that we have.

[00:03:23] The big, big ass bulbs.

[00:03:25] True.

[00:03:25] It's better for like the tiny LEDs.

[00:03:27] But either way, it keeps them from getting tangled up.

[00:03:29] We have old fashioned.

[00:03:30] Pro tip.

[00:03:30] Yeah.

[00:03:30] We have old fashioned lights.

[00:03:33] So wrap it around the tube.

[00:03:35] Do it like that.

[00:03:37] You'll never have another tangle.

[00:03:39] As we've learned from the film, Meet Me Next Christmas, you need a gay.

[00:03:45] To show up and teach you how to do things properly.

[00:03:49] Enter Jonathan Bennett.

[00:03:51] Yes.

[00:03:51] So the tangled lights challenge, they affix a bunch of tangled lights to like an 80 pound weight.

[00:04:01] And then they have a little pulley and you got to like pull the pulley up.

[00:04:05] You have to be like big and strong.

[00:04:06] So like hold the pulley.

[00:04:07] This is very entertaining because what I love about, as I said last week, you know, hot people should shut up.

[00:04:17] There's another rule about what hot people should do in public and that's suffer, sweat and strain.

[00:04:22] And that is exactly what they're doing here.

[00:04:24] It is an excuse for the gun show to happen and the show knows exactly where its muscles are buttered.

[00:04:30] There's also an injury.

[00:04:32] So we get a little bit of a blood cam situation.

[00:04:35] Yes.

[00:04:35] Which, uh, medic.

[00:04:37] That's, that's, that's a little sprinkles on the icing on the cupcake.

[00:04:41] I didn't realize I was going to see like punctured skin and blood on this Hallmark.

[00:04:46] Uh, it's like when somebody dehydrates on survivor.

[00:04:49] Right.

[00:04:50] Next challenge.

[00:04:51] It's the acting challenge.

[00:04:52] They have to do a scene with a Hallmark lady whose name I do not know.

[00:04:56] Brooke Dorsey.

[00:04:57] Right.

[00:04:57] And they go to a fake ice skating rink.

[00:05:00] Yes.

[00:05:00] And they have to fake, fake skate around a bunch of fake things.

[00:05:04] And my favorite moment of that is when they all show up at the fake place.

[00:05:09] They go, Oh, it's a winter wonderland.

[00:05:11] And I'm like, yeah, it looks just like every other thing that they do in these movies.

[00:05:16] Um, where you, they're clearly sometimes on ice if it's real.

[00:05:20] And sometimes they're on these little plastic, whatever the hell they are.

[00:05:24] So a couple of things happening here.

[00:05:26] First of all, they don't explicitly tell anybody, by the way, you need to make sure that you're on camera delivering your dialogue.

[00:05:32] And given that we're working with a lot of non-actors, that's the kind of thing you might need to mention.

[00:05:37] And everybody pretty much gets that except for Michael?

[00:05:42] Uh, no.

[00:05:44] Because all we have left is Parker, Jonathan, Elijah, Hayden, Blake, and Ezra.

[00:05:49] Hmm.

[00:05:51] Gage goes home, by the way.

[00:05:53] Spoiler.

[00:05:53] Yeah.

[00:05:54] Oops.

[00:05:54] Anyway, one guy does not get the memo about the camera, so he's like never delivering his dialogue in the right place.

[00:06:00] I think that's Ezra.

[00:06:00] No, it was one of the black model guys.

[00:06:04] Elijah?

[00:06:05] No.

[00:06:06] No, no.

[00:06:06] He's Hamilton.

[00:06:08] Jonathan.

[00:06:08] Jonathan.

[00:06:09] Other Jonathan.

[00:06:10] Jonathan.

[00:06:11] Jonathan does not get the memo about delivering his lines on camera.

[00:06:14] Uh, and then the, there's a hidden trick in this in that everybody is going to have someone either fall down or drop a bunch of skates in front of them.

[00:06:24] And they're going to be judged on whether or not they are helpful and like rise to the occasion and demonstrate heart as Jonathan Bennett puts it multiple times.

[00:06:33] And everybody passes this except for Gage, who walked right into that one as a narcissist.

[00:06:43] And so yeah, he gets the memo.

[00:06:44] No, no, no, no, no.

[00:06:46] Well, based on what we're, based on how he's been edited, which I understand may have nothing to do with what he's really like on this show.

[00:06:54] The acting is what makes the character on a reality show.

[00:06:57] Of course.

[00:06:57] Even if there's not a conspiracy theory going on in actual-

[00:07:01] This is the job of the editor of the reality show.

[00:07:04] The job of an editor of a reality series is to cast someone as the, eh, like the fly in the ointment.

[00:07:11] Right.

[00:07:11] And for these three episodes, it has been Gage.

[00:07:14] Yeah.

[00:07:15] I do not want to call Gage mean names.

[00:07:18] That is fair.

[00:07:19] That's your-

[00:07:20] Alonzo is a bad person.

[00:07:21] Gage in quotes.

[00:07:23] I'm going to stop this just for a moment and explain what a bad person Alonzo is.

[00:07:29] Gage is my personal favorite because he gives the best camera.

[00:07:34] He gives the best, I'm going to win.

[00:07:37] He gives the best, oh, you're out?

[00:07:39] I'm Eve Harrington.

[00:07:41] It's time to move on up.

[00:07:42] Like, that's what I like about Gage.

[00:07:44] And I'm sad to say that he was not a good person on the rink and he didn't help someone who fell down.

[00:07:51] He more just like made a joke about it, which by the way, that's what Alonzo would do.

[00:07:56] Oh, that is-

[00:07:56] You liar.

[00:07:58] You would be like, I see nothing.

[00:08:02] And skate off into the distance doing a pirouette.

[00:08:06] But the thing is, they did very effectively make Gage into as much of a villain as we're ever going to get on a Hallmark property.

[00:08:13] Yeah, sadly.

[00:08:14] But now he's gone.

[00:08:15] Right.

[00:08:15] So we're left with a lot of mushy niceness now?

[00:08:19] Like they've got to-

[00:08:19] Everyone's really nice.

[00:08:20] Are they going to create a new villain for us?

[00:08:22] No, everyone's really nice.

[00:08:23] We're not going to have a new villain.

[00:08:25] I guarantee you we're not going to have a new villain.

[00:08:27] Because that's as much of a villainy as Hallmark can handle.

[00:08:29] Sure.

[00:08:30] It's someone who's sort of like playing the game by the rules of the game and only looking up for himself.

[00:08:36] Yeah.

[00:08:37] What we have left is Parker, the model, who wears a lot of turquoise.

[00:08:40] Big mustache guy.

[00:08:43] Jonathan, who was not great at the acting challenge.

[00:08:45] Yes.

[00:08:47] Elijah from Hamilton.

[00:08:49] Hayden from Australia.

[00:08:50] He's the crying guy.

[00:08:51] Hayden from Kleenex.

[00:08:53] Blake, who-

[00:08:56] Speaking of skating, I think Blake just so much keeps skating through this.

[00:08:59] This is-

[00:09:01] This situation.

[00:09:02] And then Ezra, who-

[00:09:05] I wish I knew if Ezra had a personality just yet.

[00:09:09] He's very tall and he used to be a rescue swimmer and I think like the National Guard.

[00:09:14] But it's going to be one of these guys.

[00:09:17] The editors have not seen fit yet to really give us anything with Ezra.

[00:09:22] And Blake, I think so far, has managed to be like,

[00:09:25] Oh wait, you know what? Ezra does do something good in this episode and gives him a personality.

[00:09:30] Oh, that's right.

[00:09:30] He calls California Cali.

[00:09:32] And I think that's hilarious as a person who lives in California.

[00:09:36] It's kind of like if you live in San Francisco and you unironically call it Frisco.

[00:09:42] That's good.

[00:09:44] Pro tip, do not do these things.

[00:09:46] Everyone should do it all the time.

[00:09:49] Unless you're doing it to be irritating.

[00:09:51] We know someone who actually lives in San Francisco who got a tattoo that says Frisco just to bother people.

[00:10:00] And that's the kind of energy we need more of on Finding Mr. Christmas.

[00:10:04] Before Gage leaves, he lets everyone know that he belongs in the history book of acting.

[00:10:10] That's right.

[00:10:11] And he's right.

[00:10:13] He does.

[00:10:14] I wanted to prove that not only did I belong in this house and in this competition, but I also belong in the history books of acting.

[00:10:26] Go Gage!

[00:10:26] In the footnotes.

[00:10:27] I'm a Gage fan.

[00:10:29] I cannot wait to see what he does next.

[00:10:32] It's gonna be something.

[00:10:34] Gage is gonna be out there doing something in his life.

[00:10:37] Y'all better watch out.

[00:10:39] For sure.

[00:10:39] And what we'll do next is episode four next week.

[00:10:42] So come back for that.

[00:10:44] Thanks for watching.

[00:10:45] We'll see you guys next time.

[00:10:46] And you know, Merry Christmas.

[00:10:57] You're about to hear some ads that help keep the lights on here in the old studio.

[00:11:03] Thanks for listening or don't listen.

[00:11:05] It's really up to you at this point.

[00:11:07] It's at the end of the show.

[00:11:08] I mean, you're listening to me.

[00:11:10] Hi.

[00:11:11] But here they come.

[00:11:12] I promise they're coming.

[00:11:12] Yep, here they are.

[00:11:14] Happy day.

[00:11:15] Bye.