Red One (2024) ft. Alonso Duralde

[00:00:00] Hi, I'm Bran and I love Christmas movie theater movies I'm Dan, I despise Christmas movie theater movies Yeah I'm Alonso and I'm hearing that Dwayne is not going to be here for another couple of hours Deck The Hallmark Podcast Deck The Hallmark, it's his podcast And Friends host his podcast

[00:00:27] We hope you like this jolly podcast Dwayne, the bathtub I'm drowning Can you imagine if Vin Diesel was Callum Drift? Can you imagine Vin Diesel as Callum Drift? How much fun we'd have had We just had, Dave and I just had this conversation of like What if we were, what if we had it wrong all this time? Yeah

[00:00:56] You know, what if it turns out that Vin Diesel is actually The good guy The conscientious one That's right No, I, listen, I wrestle with this Santa's family Since, since Black Adam came out and we heard the stories behind that I have wrestled with this Like, it's like everything you thought you knew about the world is wrong Like Vin, I should have been team Vin Diesel Which I can't, I can't believe But I'm saying it, I'm saying it now It's unbelievable I will say this for Mr. Johnson

[00:01:24] The fact that he is signed on to do a Scorsese movie To me just smacks of like, I can behave I promise, I swear I can, I can, I can, I can Like, I can work for a director who will actually tell me what to do And I will do it So please, like, give me another shot Everyone be nice to me now You'll see Vin, listen, what can you say? Except you're welcome That's all, that's all we know Big news over the past few days, Alonzo

[00:01:51] In regard to your latest upcoming book release Tell the world Yeah, very excited So my, my, the second edition of Have Yourself a Movie Little Christmas A revised and expanded update of my 2010 holiday film guide It's coming out September 4th And it is already available at some of the places online where you might books Where you might buy books And I'm sure it will be coming up in other places soon Go to your local bookstore and put in a pre-order

[00:02:20] That encourages them to, to get more copies Ask your library about snagging one You know, just, just get the, get the word out But I'm very, very pumped about this And it's got a new cover, which I'm very excited I was going to ask you about the new cover Because I know that's been a point of contention with you And your own book over the last 15 years Yeah, like I, I believe me Thank you to everybody who bought the first edition of this book Despite the fact that it looked like a 16mm film rental catalog

[00:02:51] This new cover I think really pops And I'm very excited about it Is today's movie a red one? Did it make the cut? It did actually Just by, by the hair of its, of the rocks clean shaven Chin I don't know guys You tried You tried I had a lot of 2024 to get in there Much of which we will be discussing in the, in the coming weeks Very good Well, we're very excited And I can't wait to get my hands on that book It's going to be, I, it's, it's, it's

[00:03:19] I was already so good The fact that it's now bigger and better I've already ordered several copies for the office Wow Don't worry Just now as we, you, you were doing the bit about the rocks Chin Shape, yeah That's how long it took It was done Just like that Well, I don't need it from you But we're very happy Very happy for you And happy for the world That we're getting more Alonzo Durali on our bookshelves I think that's a win for everybody, Dan That's right Thanks Shall we dive into red one? I would love to

[00:03:48] Let's do it Red one originally came to your movie theater Your local cinema On November 15th, 2024 And it went a little something like this The movie kicks off with this kid, Jack He doesn't believe in Santa And doesn't think that anybody else should either He tells all of his cousins that Santa doesn't exist He reminds me a lot of my friend Dan If you say it like that He even shows them where their parents are hiding the gifts

[00:04:17] Very naughty Fast forward 30 years and Jack is now an adult Still very naughty He's stealing important information And selling it to people on the dark web Cut to Santa The cloths Who is doing some mall duty That's right Santa gets out there on the streets Tries to remember what it's like down here Just a little tune up Just a little tune up That's exactly right Sometimes you gotta go to the comedy cellar And work out new material That's exactly right

[00:04:46] He reminds himself why he does this By his side is Callum Drift The head of Santa Security When they return to the North Pole Cal tells Santa that he's retiring There's just too much naughty out there But there's no time to mourn the loss of Cal To the business Because Santa gets kidnapped They suspect that it has something to do with The information that Jack stole

[00:05:14] So they track him down for questioning And Jack is completely shocked to find out That Santa is real Along with some other mythical creatures They hire Jack to help find Santa Because Jack is really, really good At tracking people down Cal is annoyed that he has to team up with Jack But that's life sometimes, Rock You gotta work with people They track down Ted The broker who bought the stolen information Ted reveals that the kidnapper

[00:05:44] Or at least the person that he got this information from Is the Winter Witch Gryla? How do you say it, Alonzo? Gryla? Gryla Gryla Gryla Gryla Suddenly, Gryla takes over Ted's body Exorcist style And warns him And then sends Snowman to kill them They manage to fight them off By taking off their carrots But not before Ted gets frozen It's tough

[00:06:13] They suspect that Gryla might be working With Santa's estranged brother Krampus Maybe you've heard of him Who originally created the naughty list Cal and Jack Cal and Jack break into Krampus' Lair of sorts But they're captured and forced to slap fight Krampus They discover that Gryla came to Krampus To retrieve a magical snow globe That can imprison people

[00:06:42] Gryla's plan is to duplicate said magical snow globe And imprison anybody who has ever been on the naughty list She decides to test the snow globe on Jack and his son Dylan Who kind of gets pulled into all of this mess Even though they have a strained relationship Cal realizes that the only place capable of duplicating such magic Is the North Pole That means that they never left the North Pole They've been there the whole time

[00:07:11] And Santa is trapped in this magical vault That is draining him of his power Inside of their snow globe Jack and Dylan have a heartfelt convo Which makes them nice And causes the globes to shatter That's all it takes Just one nice conversation Gryla is about to take off With unconscious Santa Planning to use his sleigh and reindeer To deliver the snow globes

[00:07:39] But not if Cal and Jack have anything to say about it They fight causing the sleigh to crash land This makes Gryla very mad Who drops her human disguise And goes full giant witch mode on them Luckily Krampus shows up to save his brother But Gryla is too powerful Santa finally wakes up And with the help of his reindeer They manage to capture her And imprison her in a snow globe Now the rush to deliver the presents is on

[00:08:08] Santa invites Jack and Dylan To join him on his Christmas Eve quest And as Cal watches them Watching Santa in amazement He realizes that maybe all of it is worth it after all He tells Santa that he's not going to retire And Santa is happy Ho ho ho And that my friends was Red One We did it We did do it Let's take a quick break We'll come back We'll break this movie down with

[00:08:38] I think we're going to do four seconds I love that plan I think we should do it Here on Deck the Hallmark Welcome back everybody To Deck the Hallmark I'm bringing that Stan Alonjas here We're covering Red One today The 2024 theatrical classic We're excited to break this one down We missed it during the holiday season We finally got here

[00:09:06] And it's time to share our hot takes What do we think about the Red One? I'm going to start with you Alonzo Yeah this movie You know people really dumped on it When it came out They were mad Not you You gave it a ripe tomato Alonzo I did I'm getting there Thanks for the spoiler there Daniel Yeah no The word had come out There was a big article In my former employer About how this movie

[00:09:36] Had gone insanely over budget And a lot of it had to do with Mr. Johnson showing up late And you know like very You know hiring his brother-in-law To be like the producer And you know giving him a Screenplay credit And so I think a lot of people Had their knives out for this movie When it finally opened No apologies to Chris Evans For that title And you know look I get why there's a lot About this movie

[00:10:06] That is formulaic There's a lot about this movie That is standard By the numbers Big you know Sort of superhero Style action movie But I was charmed by it And I was a little hesitant About watching it again For this Because I thought Is it going to hold up But I was charmed by it again So I Look I know what's wrong With this movie But it has enough Of the fun Christmas stuff The fact that Lucy Liu And Dwayne Johnson Are playing it So straight

[00:10:36] Like they're Never winking To the camera About this They are taking But also Hearing you say it Hearing you say all that stuff It's just hard I was not charmed By this one Unfortunately Okay I'm charmed by the final Five minutes Yeah

[00:11:05] And the final five minutes Where Santa goes and delivers Is so good That it made me forget How much I did not enjoy This movie Until I rewatched it And said oh yeah I really didn't like it I didn't like All of the Mythical creatures I don't care about Grela I don't care about Krampus She's the mother Of the ULads Brand Yeah Come on man Yeah That's not ULads represent It's not enough To hold The milk for Santa

[00:11:35] In my opinion I just I don't know If I love that It's like hold water But it's the milk Santa's Milk Just stop right there So yeah I just I just kind of felt Like it was Listen Big budget Big CGI They're throwing it all On the screen And I don't know I'm very I was very intrigued By the premise Of this movie Santa gets Kidnapped Rock Chris Evans Team up Go find him

[00:12:05] And I almost Just wish that That's where The mythical creature Of it all Stayed And it was Some other Storyline about Who kidnaps Santa or whatever Because it just It just didn't Quite work for me And it wasn't Because of The story About the rock I didn't know About that Until after It was Like until After the movie Was released That did not Play into My feelings On it And yeah But the last fight Santa delivering Gifts

[00:12:34] Is as good As it gets As inventive A way for him To deliver gifts Amazing And like You know We Dan you and I Always talk about Like Santa Claus North Pole Tim Allen Santa Claus Like that's The North Pole This is like Oh yeah This makes sense How it gets done This is how This is how It's done And so Really well done Could have used More J.K. Simmons And unfortunately He was in a coma For a bulk Of this movie And so Could have used

[00:13:04] More Bonnie Hunt Definitely Yeah So yeah Just an Like just an Okay But the last Last few minutes Of this movie Make you forget How ridiculous The rest of it is And so There's that Dan Gosh This movie's trash I This movie I didn't know The story That premiered In the Online publication Of Alonzo's Former employer But I do know this This movie premiered Roughly 10 days After the election And Michael Phillips

[00:13:33] Of the Chicago Tribune One of my favorite Critics Not my favorite Obviously But one of my Favorite critics His blurb On this movie Is better than Anything I could Tell you And his blurb Is Red one Is the holiday Fantasy Built on Retribution Punishment And crushed Hopes We all deserve Right now Which is one Of my favorite Critics blurbs Maybe of all time It's great Much better Than this movie There's so many Cardinal sins This movie commits Number one The effects Look dated When you Like I saw This movie

[00:14:03] In the theater And the effects Look bad In the theater So that's not Where the money Was spent Clearly That's not Where the money Was spent Number two A waste Of J.K. Simmons A waste Of Bonnie Hunt A waste Of Lucy Liu Who is so Deadpan Monotone In this movie It's You know I think Alonzo Appreciated it It was a feature For him A bug For me The next Cardinal sin It commits Is it 100% Cares more About how Impressed they Are with Building this World Than actually Having a

[00:14:32] Plot That makes Sense So like They It's a lot Of time Is spent With What is The north Pole And santa And the sleigh And this Mythical Organization What does It all Look like And so They spend Time crafting This thing And it is Just a Big bag Of nothing It's so So long It is It is a Movie that Just really Wears on you Until the last Five minutes Where I do Agree with you That that is Pretty solid

[00:15:02] I'm not Convinced Chris Evans and The Rock Ever talked Unless the Word action Was said And when I Saw this in The theater I was like These two People don't Like each Other And I Didn't know About the Art I didn't Know about The story I was just Like these Two people Hate each Other Like there's Just And you've Got like Character actors All through This thing Kiernan Shipka Is that her Name She's a Great actor Mad Men She's wonderful I don't think She's right for This Nick Kroll They waste Him He's usually Really funny

[00:15:31] Virtually none Of this works For me It is just Bad set Piece After bad Set Piece And it Is just Clanging Symbols I had no Interest in This movie And I When I Went in I had Fairly high Hopes And then When I Watched it The second Time I was like Maybe I Was too Hard On it And No I really Really Hate this Movie Never Again Never Again I'm out I'm out On any Red One Rewatches My favorite Critic blurb Is from Amy Nicholson Who said

[00:16:01] This is the Movie that Will live Forever In the Back Bedroom While the Grownups are All on the Sofa Having Adult Yeah Yeah That's a Good one Oh Speaking of Which That's another Thing I Hate about This movie Which is It's not Like In my Opinion Not good Enough As a Transformers Or Marvel But Christmas And not Kitty enough For my kids To watch it Like that's The thing Is it Doesn't ever Feel like It lives It feels Like it's Like we Have to Hit all Four Quadrants

[00:16:31] Equally Like it Doesn't It feels Like a Movie that Doesn't Know its Tone Very well They could Have easily Kidified this Yeah I mean And I'm Not talking About the Language I don't Really Like Personally My kids Hear those Words In a Movie That's not A reason For them Not to Watch it Or Of course That's When they Hear it The most Often I'm talking About How scary Everything Is and how Much it Is and how Broad it Is they Could have

[00:17:00] Easily made A pg-13 Version of This it's Still awesome For an Eight-year-old Boy to watch Like they Could have Done that And they Just don't And I That was Frustrating Not because I wanted To take My kids To see But because Like pick A lane Like I Would never Take my Eight-year-olds To see Transformers Like never But Personally And everybody Has their own Decision there But like This movie Doesn't It just Doesn't You know Fit in Either world That was the Other thing It was just Meh

[00:17:30] I hate it It's time for All the feels When we talk About what in This movie You'll face When I tell Him that The rock Was inspired To have This movie Released At IMAX When he Went to See Oh god Oh my god Who does He think He is We should Have been Team Vin Diesel The whole time Hey and also I meant to tell You this Vin Diesel Was in a Sidney Lumet Movie and Ruined it Single-handedly So the rock I'm aware The rock

[00:18:00] Can take down Martin Scorsese Don't you Worry Another way For them to be Equals Yeah no I agree with You the Major feel Of this Movie is The last Bit where The how Do Santa Do it In one Night Thing I think They do As good An explanation Of it As I've Seen since Like Arthur Christmas And the Callum Seeing Jack And Dylan Bonding And seeing The good In Jack Come out And the Kid

[00:18:29] In Jack Come out And that Sort of Being the Inspiration To stick Around Those are The actual Feel Feels That I Had But I Was Far more Entertained By this Than y'all Were clearly So you know And then Most critics As well I know I'm In the Minority Here This is Not a Hill I'm going To die On But I I think When we Talked about Dear Santa We were Talking about The things That it Thinks It can Get away With Simply By being

[00:18:59] A Christmas Movie I think There's Stuff that Red One Gets Away With Just Being a Christmas Movie Wow Wow Sorry Not Sorry Do you Think Like Did the Other Mythical Creature Stuff Work For you Alonzo He didn't Care He was Having Fun Time No Yeah Look I think I love Any excuse To trot the Yule lads Out I love Krampus As a Character And I Love the Fact that They You know They cast

[00:19:29] What's his Face From Game of Thrones To play Him Yeah I didn't You know Yes Did the Krampus Sequence Have to Be as Long And have So many Scary Things In it Maybe Not But I Didn't I Because If you're Going to Kidnap Santa It's Got to Be somebody Who is Of Equivalent You know Power As Santa So it Can't Just be Like you Know John Lithgow In Santa Claus The movie It's Got to Be Somebody Who is Also Like Magical And Mythical You know I

[00:19:58] Understand What You're Saying But at The Same Time Like Give Me Like Taken But Instead Of Liam Neeson's Daughter It's Santa Claus Just Make One Villain Don't Make This Whole Like Elaborate Labyrinth Of Like They're Connected To Them And This Is The Ex Boy Of The Ex Boyfriend Of

[00:20:28] The Obviously The End Of This Movie Wonderful But Also JK Simmons Lifting Weights I Turned To Dan And I Said That Guy Is So Cool He's The Coolest Is So Cool And Him Sitting Down And Just Boom Booming Up Some Weights I Clearly Know All The Jargon He's So Cool He's Like And Let's Add Some More Weights I

[00:21:05] He's Fun In That He Can Do No Wrong The Movie Does Wrong By Making Him In A Coma All Movie But Yeah The End Of This Movie I Think We've Said It A And It

[00:21:35] Just Works This Ending Strikes This Perfect Balance Of The Old Nostalgia Of Santa Just Taking His Time And He's In Some Sort Of Time Warp And The Arthur Christmas Of We Have This Giant SS Santa Prize And All The L's Are Delivering The Gifts The Way That This Happens And As Quick It

[00:22:05] And The Salt Shaker In The Stockings Yeah But Also I Told Brand Like If They Had Started With A Scene Like This Like If A Year Earlier He's Delivering Presents And It

[00:22:35] Deserve It Let's Take A Break We'll Come Back We'll Get To The Way What The What The Hallmark Here On Deck The Hallmark Welcome Back Everybody We're Talking Red One 2024 Theatrical Release It's Time For The Way What What I'll Start With You Alonzo Yeah You Guys Pointed It Out I Think The

[00:23:05] Idea That The Villains Plan Is To Imprison Naughty People In Snow Globes But If They Have One Nice Conversation They Get Out It's Almost Sort Of Like Let Her Do It I Guess Go For It Learn Their Lesson Yeah Like A Little Free Therapy For Everybody Really Why Yeah I'd Say Like Maybe Just

[00:23:43] Yeah Beyond That I I It's Tough I Think Yeah Again This Is A Santa Magic Movie So That Sort Of Like Allows You To Paper Over A lot Of Things About Time And Space So You Know I So Often In These Movies We Get A Character Like The Chris Evans One Who Is Like So Seemingly Irredeemable But Somehow Like Got Someone To Have His Child And I Always Wonder What That Story Is Like

[00:24:12] Did He Have A Moment Of Turning That Down A bit To Get This Woman Who Is Clearly Awesome To Like You Know Have His Child Or Like Or Does He Just Look Like Chris Evans Exactly And You Know The Tequila Was Involved And They Just Carried On With I Would Love To Know A Back Story There But Yeah I There's Not A Lot To Pick At Here Because This Is A This Is A Movie With A Government Agency That Deals With Mythological Creatures

[00:24:42] There Is A Saying Dan It's Like Taking Candy From A Baby And Early On In This Movie His First Little Mission It's So Easy And He Takes Takes The Candy Cause The Mission Was Just As Easy As This Why Has That Baby Got A Sucker No You Can't Baby Baby

[00:25:12] You Can't Have That You're Too Young With The Plastic Still On It Very Concerned For This Baby By Themselves In A Stroller With A Sucker I Makes Sense That Is Child Care They Call Fuckers Child That Is Exactly Right And To Like The Whole Imprisoning All Of The

[00:25:41] Naughty People It Was So Like The First Time I Watched It I Was Like Did They Say They're Going To Imprison All The Naughty People Cause I'm So Used To The Bad Guy In These Movies Being Like It's Time For The Nice People To I Was Like Did They Say It Correctly Cause I Was Like So Wait You Don't Think Satan Is Being Harsh Enough And So Yeah That's The The Disciplinarians

[00:26:11] Are Stepping Up That's Exactly Right Someone's Gotta Teach These Naughty Kids What's Up That's Where I'm Gonna Step In And I Just That Was Quite The Reveal For Me The First Time I Watched He Long After He Should I Don't Like When He's Like Detained He Sees An Actual Headless Human Being A Pumpkin Head

[00:26:41] That Is On Fire And Talking And Then A Polar Bear Just Walks With A Vest On And It Just Is The Normal Like It's Just The Thing That Is Happening For You To Continue To Have This Level Of Reaction I Mean You Know This Is All Happening In One Night So True

[00:27:11] But As Soon As Let Let Let See What Else You Got Back There Another Way What I Had Was The One Of The Premises Of This Movie With Which Alonzo Allude To Is There's A Government Organization That Knows About All The mythical Beasts They're All Real But That Also Leads Like There's

[00:27:41] A trickle Down Effect Where A lot Of Adults Not All Adults I Think That Was A Question That We A Lot Of Air Traffic Controllers Know About Santa He's Cleared To The Air Force That's Right Move In And The Fact That This Many People Know About Santa And We Don't Get

[00:28:12] Any Sort Of Stuff That Breaks From Time To Time Where There's A Thing In The Sky We Don't Know What It Is And The Government We Don't Either We Don't Get Any Of That In This Movie It's Just You Know

[00:28:51] Normally On The Up And Up Your Wait What Is So Funny Because It's Like They're Already Doing That

[00:29:22] Say Anything That's Basically What They've All Decided Here Which Is Very Impressive For This Movie That's All I Got Can We Get Can We Get Bran A Poster That's The Old I Want To Believe UFO Poster From X-Files But It's Got Santa Sleigh On It's Oh That's A

[00:29:52] Mine Is Not So Much In Universe As It Is The Practicality Of How Do These Streaming Services Make These Incredibly Expensive Movies And Then Just Claim That Like It Doesn't Matter What It Made At The Box Office Because This Was Made For Amazon It Was Just Going To Be On Amazon And Then Because Of The Strikes And They're Like Oh What The Heck Let's Put It In Theaters And It Did Not Make Its Money Back In Theaters Because It Is A Very Expensive Movie But They're Like It's Fine

[00:30:22] And I Wonder Like For A Company Like Amazon Or Apple Or Netflix Are These Hugely Expensive Movies Really Just Rounding Errors Or Are They Really Like Suffering You

[00:31:13] The I Will say This That This Is Not The Worst Movie Made For A Streamer By The Rock Featuring The Word Red In The Title That I've seen Thank You Thank You So It's Not That Bad Yeah I Yeah I Find It Even More Interesting With Than Like With Netflix Because Like With Apple And Amazon They Have Other Things Going On Clearly Like With Netflix Though Like This This Is This Is The Whole But This Wasn't For Netflix No No

[00:31:43] He Was Just Talking About Different Streamers Like With Netflix Like With The Red Notice That That's The Whole Ball Game Like This Is What They Do So It's Very Interesting For Sure Wonder Woman Daredevil And Black Adam In An Action Movie That Sucks How About We Do That So Wait No Not Daredevil Deadpool No I said Daredevil Deadpool My

[00:32:28] Seems Very Taken Aback When Cal Talks About Retirement He Can't Possibly Fathom It When And When He Finds Out That It's Just Because He's You know Everyone's So Naughty He Come Hatches Up This Plan I Don't Know It's Possible Hear me I'm Saying I'm Saying It's Possible Is It What Happened I Don't But It's Possible Dan Yeah I Here Listen Hear What I'm Saying I Have

[00:33:00] Questions Over This Organization Like How When Was It Founded When Did A Group Of People All American Right Decide That They I Mean Don't Don't Get Me Wrong Not Surprising That America Decided They Were In Charge Of The World But When Did They Decide In What Decade Was This That Or Century For That Matter That They Go Hey All Of These Things Do Exist They All Do Loch Ness

[00:33:30] Monster Headless Horseman Krampus They All Exist And We Got To Regulate It And We Got To Make Sure That We Know About It And There's Rules And There's Bylaws And There There Are Ranking Officials Who Got Like I Want To Know I Don't Want A Movie I Just Would Like Someone To Write Me A Chart That's Right A flow Chart Or

[00:34:08] There's Global Divisions Like The Scottish Have A Loch Ness Field Office And You Know Somebody Else Is Dealing With Like I Don't Know Baba Yaga Or You Or Whatever You Know I Don't Know And Santa Just Became Like It Fell Into Our Lab It Seems Like

[00:34:38] Ben Stiller's First Movie In Seven Years Nut Crackers Right And You Didn't Review This Over The Holidays For Rotten Tomatoes You Didn't No We Talked About It On Breakfast All Day But I Did Not Do A Written Review So Come on Back Next Week Hear our Thoughts On It's Going to Be a Lot Of Fun Until Then Maybe The First To Wish You A

[00:35:13] For A Free Trial Of Philo Go to philo.tv Slash DTH You're About To Hear Some Ads That Help Keep The Lights On Here In The Old Studio Thanks For Listening Or Don't Listen It's Really Up To You At This Point Is At The End Of The Show I Mean You're Listening To Me Hi But Here They Come I Promise Yep Here They Are Happy Day