Santa's Second Wife (Movie Central - 2023) ft. Alonso Duralde

[00:00:06] Why is it not working? The button's not working! And earlier you said we didn't even need Aaron Shay earlier. You're like, Aaron who? How about this one? Hey! I'm Bran and I love wherever this movie is from.

[00:00:22] I'm Dan and I really am having a hard time liking anyone in humanity right now. I'm Alonzo and Brandon where are you finding this stuff? And this is the Deck The Hallmark Podcast! Deck The Hallmark, it's his podcast. Brandon and friends host his podcast.

[00:00:42] We hope you like this jolly podcast. Got a whole duplicate on the stream deck that just doesn't work. So it's you? I think at one point I made that one and then we had to make changes. I don't remember what. No, 100% was my fault.

[00:01:08] I should have done it. Deck The Hallmark produced by Brandon Gray. To this week today! And I guess the rest of this week too. Yeah, we're doing a whole other week without Aaron. I mean like you'd think she'd come back eventually but I mean it is.

[00:01:20] She's good at what she does. There's no way that we picked the week she was on vacation to do two weeks of recording. We didn't do that. She's been gone. It's not us. It's her. Summer, it's a challenge. I'll tell you where I find these.

[00:01:36] Alonzo, thanks for asking. In the pit of hell. Our friend Sleepy Kitty Paws kept an exhaustive list year after year of every release. And I don't know where they find them but I know that this was on the list because it went from being hard to find

[00:02:01] to being readily available on the YouTube page Movie Central. Well, I will say this and I mean this as a compliment. This is not a film that you will find on Canopy which I hope everybody has had the chance to check out the film library. Of course.

[00:02:18] The Canopy podcast which Daniel and I are hosting and brand produced is now available wherever you find your podcast. It's a great transition, great segue to bigger and better things but we, Alonzo, it was so fun.

[00:02:29] We did those episodes and it's been long marinating and incubating and so it's nice that it's going to be out there. And we got a chance to talk to some great, great people. Justin Simi. Rank your guests from favorite to least. I'm not going to do this.

[00:02:42] I will not. Cheryl Dunye. Alex Winter. Kristen Lopez. Justin Chang. Josh Rubin. Francis Lee. Yeah, it's an amazing line. It's unbelievable. I'll just say this. Every week was a dream come true.

[00:02:56] As somebody who is not as steeped in the world of film as these two lovely fellows, I loved it too. And I listened to all of them and all of the conversations were just super gripping. So it's a lot of fun. It's a lot of fun.

[00:03:11] The film library, it's a fun pod. We did a lot of work on it. We got to talk to some amazing people. You should definitely check it out. Yeah, for sure. Great job everybody. Great job all around. Congratulations. We've been working on it for two years. Two years.

[00:03:24] It's here. Here it is. Some people that make movies. Here it is. Go get it. Not this movie. This movie. No, no. This movie was not done in a week. This was a weekend. So the tops. The long morning. Everybody got up at four. Took some Adderall.

[00:03:38] They were done by the end of the day. You know what will take longer than a week though to complete? What's that? Going through all of what's available on Philo. It'll take forever. We're trying with the Philo Deep Dive. We're trying.

[00:03:49] And we're just not, I mean it's barely doing anything. We're 50 episodes deep at this point. 50 episodes of the Philo Deep Dive. It's been a lot of fun. Everything from Milf Manor to whatever the heck Tim Allen's up to these days. The Einstein Challenge is my favorite thing.

[00:04:03] It's coming out in a couple weeks. Not out yet. Yeah, that's a fun time. That's a fun time. The Einstein Challenge is a really fun show. We find so much. We find so much. There's also Satan's Second Wife and that's what we're talking about today.

[00:04:16] I honestly, I don't know where it premiered. I don't know who it was for. I know that in… You can start by saying you're sorry. I'm sorry. I know that in 2023, Pursley B. Kittypaws, the YouTube channel Movie Central, which apparently acquires movies from the nethers. Willy Nilly.

[00:04:37] Willy Nilly. From the nethers. From the nethers. Got this one. From Satan's nethers. Got their hands on this one. Got their hands on this one. Got their hands on this one. And I'll start really quickly by reading some YouTube comments. Do you guys want me to do that?

[00:04:52] I'd love for you to do that. Because I don't know who they think they are, these commenters, but they're not… They're not… I don't know. Wow, this movie made me laugh, mad, cry and love at the same time. An awesome movie for all ages.

[00:05:13] This is a paid sponsorship. Assigned to the director. Different take on Christmas movies. It was funny, enjoyable and modern. In parentheses, the dating app part especially. Thanks for sharing good upload with no zooming or sound issues.

[00:05:28] Shout out to the people that don't pay for the rights to movies and put them on YouTube but do the weird zoom thing to get away with it. Everyone loves it. Everybody always loves it. Love this movie. I would watch it again. Thoroughly enjoyed this movie.

[00:05:45] Thank you for sharing. Loved it. Such a classic movie. This is just BS. Well, let's find out. The people can't be wrong, can they? Perhaps Anna and Raven asked their listeners to go on YouTube and leave positive comments. Just a theory.

[00:06:04] We'll talk Anna and Raven here in just a little bit. Who? I don't know where it came from. Don't know when it happened but Santa's second wife went a little something like this. The movie kicks off with the narration of Santa Claus telling us Santa's history.

[00:06:22] He grew up in Europe and inherited a ton of money. He gave it all away to those that are in need. And now on Christmas, he began to deliver presents to children. He did all of this on his own until he met Jessica.

[00:06:34] Eventually they go on to get married. And over time, the empire of the Clauses grew and Jessica was always by his side. Jessica Claus, of course. Yes, Jess Claus, of course. But as the years went by, Jessica grew distant and tired of her life.

[00:06:54] She just wanted her husband back but he's too busy delivering toys to all the children. One night a year, she wouldn't decorate anymore. She wouldn't go to see him off on the big nights. This really bothered Santa so he comes up with a plan.

[00:07:12] This year, Jessica is coming with me. It's only taken 1700 years but he figured this out. That you can make the sleigh a little bigger, fit two people in that bad boy. Two-seater. A two-seater, have you heard about it?

[00:07:26] Santa created the two-seater for Jessica and Jessica says no thank you. No thank you. I'm not interested in this. She says, I would like for you to quit being Santa. He says, you know I can't do that. She says, well I'm not happy. I want a divorce.

[00:07:43] Well at least there's not like a marriage doctrine that would magically change things. There's a marriage doctrine, Dan, that would magically change things. Apparently if they get a divorce, Jessica, we know, will go back to being 40. And she'll go on to live her life.

[00:07:59] Cut now to a woman named Nev. Nev spends Christmas Eve not watching Christmas movies with her kids, but doing a live stream for her followers of products and things. Her son Hayden comes downstairs after going to sleep to get water in the middle of the night.

[00:08:19] And Santa's there and Hayden's super chill about this. Has a casual conversation with Santa and Santa goes on his way. Santa gets back to the North Pole, signs the divorce papers and Jessica becomes 40 again. He wakes up the next day and he's also 40. He's a man, he's 40.

[00:08:37] He's skinny. He is his first stop though you might be wondering. The mall. The mall of random small town just for lunch. He doesn't have any big plans. No big plans. Just get out there to the mall. Just get out there to the mall.

[00:08:50] No shopping agenda as they would say in malls. No, literally zero shopping agenda, just the food court. Just the Cinnabon. Nev and family are also there at the mall on the 26th. Get out of here. And Hayden is convinced that he recognizes the guy that's sitting over there.

[00:09:08] It leads to an awkward scene where she goes over and is like, can you tell me, like nod so that my kid knows that you're not going to kidnap him. Super weird scene. That's the only one though. That's right. So Santa and Nev both join this dating service

[00:09:26] and we get a long montage. And to call it a montage is honestly probably not accurate. They are individual full length scenes of all of their dates that they go on via this bad dating app.

[00:09:41] And one of Santa's elves is like, we got to get Santa's having, he's striking out. For some reason he keeps matching with older women that are expecting an older man, but he shows up and he's 40. It's the whole thing.

[00:09:53] So they put an ad in the paper saying that Santa's got into divorce and is in need of a Valentine. So they get a bunch of Valentines in the mail. So he agrees to go on a date with this woman who says,

[00:10:05] I will be at this restaurant on Valentine's night. Two seater. It's a two seater. It's a two seater. So she goes, they go, he shows up for the date. It's not going super well. Turns out Nev is also showing up for Valentine's date.

[00:10:24] Her date is the husband of the woman that Nick is on a date with. Yes. And they start arguing. Clearly they're going through a tough time. And so Nick and Nev both leave. They leave together and they end up having a great time.

[00:10:43] They go on a ton of dates themselves. They have a kiss by the water with a guitar solo shredding in the background. It is finally time for Nick to meet the kids. And what better way to do that than with a Fourth of July celebration.

[00:11:00] Celebration with no fireworks. Well, there's fireworks later. Not at the equine rescue. They specifically said there's not. That's right. But they do show fireworks. Interesting. Should have been a way what? Anyway. Way down the street. That's right. Way far away from the horses. Anyway, it's going.

[00:11:19] That's at the equine rescue where they rescue sequins. Okay. It's going well until Jessica Claus shows up and tells the family that Nick has a secret. So Nick finally has to come clean to Nev that he is Santa Claus. She does not handle. Popo Gigio.

[00:11:39] Popo Gigio if you will. Thank you, dad. And it does not go well. Nev's not having it. He goes back and he's just Mopi Mopi. And his elf is like, maybe there's something that you can do that would convince Nev that you are Santa.

[00:11:57] And he says, I know just what to do. Talk to her. Talk to her. So he shows up, goes down the chimney and shows up with a beer. You might be wondering, why did Santa come down the chimney with the beer?

[00:12:11] Well, at the beginning of the movie, for a reason I actually don't know. I'm sure they explained it. Nev leaves a Christmas beer next to the cookies for Santa. And he's like, how else would I know that this is the beer? And she's like, good enough for me.

[00:12:28] And so they kiss. The kids are pumped. Fast forward to the North Pole and it was wedding day and everybody is so happy for them. And we are introduced for the first time to Mr. And Mrs. Nick Claus. And that, my friends, was Santa's second wife.

[00:12:50] We did it. Do you know why she leaves a beer, Alonzo? She leaves a note that says, after the year we've all had, you could probably do with something stronger than classic. Classic. Yeah, nice. He says to Hayden, this is an inside joke between me and your mom.

[00:13:10] And that's good enough for me. That was good enough for me. All right. Let's take a quick break. We'll come back and we will break this movie down here on Deck the Hallmark. Welcome back, everybody.

[00:13:28] We're talking about Santa's second wife from the Internet where you can watch it. Let's break this movie down, shall we? I'd love that, Brian. We're going to start with a hot take. We're going to share exactly how we felt about this movie. I'm going to start with Alonzo.

[00:13:41] Alonzo, you've seen a lot of movies over the years as a film critic. I imagine this will be at the top of the list for you. Oh, for sure. But I won't take the words out of your mouth. What did you think about Santa's second wife?

[00:13:58] It's going to be at the top of a list. The naughty list, perhaps. This movie felt like somebody wrote down Santa's second wife on a note card, patted themselves on the back for having a great idea, and then went and played golf.

[00:14:16] There's a germ of an idea, a seedling of a notion of a thought, of a concept here that they don't explore in any way that's remotely interesting, and that in fact makes less and less sense as it goes along.

[00:14:33] We're meant to find out that God made them immortal, but apparently also gave them a divorce decree as an out for all this, which y'all have read the Bible more than I have, but that seems to clash with some moments in the New Testament. A little bit.

[00:14:48] Not my God! No, huh? Yeah, so that's, you know, also leprechauns, but we won't even get into that. And for the ambition of this movie, that it's going to be partially set at the North Pole and stuff, it's all just so cheap and dreary,

[00:15:06] and the cast means well, but there's nobody here who really has a firm grip on any of these characters. And so, yeah, this is just like, we see a lot of this, and a lot of this sort of makes us appreciate even like the worst of Hallmark,

[00:15:23] even the house cleaning movie of Hallmark. But like even on this scale, this is just toward the bottom. It really does feel like a bunch of people got together one weekend and like decided to make a movie with what they had, you know, within reach.

[00:15:40] We've seen a lot of not good movies in our day of doing this. We've seen a lot of not good movies in our day. Specifically on Mondays, weirdly enough. Yeah, I wonder who's fault that is. Lucky me. We're turning the tide in July. Yeah, we'll talk about it.

[00:15:57] But I think the thing that the commonality of the worst of the movies that we have seen is that they all don't have enough movie to make it to full movie length. And so it's like, okay, we've got to an hour and five.

[00:16:15] Let's do a 10 minute credit scene. And I like that. That's sweet. That's nice. It makes the badness a little bit more palpable. This is an hour and 37 palatable palpable, if you will. The badness is palpable. This is palpable.

[00:16:34] I've always said that this movie is an hour and 37 minutes long. And man, do you feel it? Do you feel it? No! And what is tough is that almost every scene in this movie goes on too long. But there's also scenes that could have been a montage.

[00:16:59] Could have been an email. It could have been a montage. This movie could have been an email, could have been a montage. The dating section in the middle of this movie goes on for an eternity. And not funny.

[00:17:16] There's a lot of things that are trying to be funny and they are not funny. Maybe could have been funny. And Brand gives everybody a break on funny. Brand finds a way to make it all, and if Brand says it's not funny, it is not funny.

[00:17:31] I just, it's the lack of trimming anything. So like, you know, here's a good example. A good example of something that I still found to be a little bit funny was the weird haircut scene from that one movie

[00:17:49] where they take the guy talking about the haircut and they cut it a ton. It's just like a bunch of things. Like a line of rama, yeah. And we all said they could have cut some of them.

[00:17:59] But what made it work okay was that they did trim some things and they're putting them back to back to show how bad the haircut is. Is it a weird scene? Yeah. Is it too long? Still yes. But at least they did a thing.

[00:18:15] With some of these dating scenes, they go on for so, so long. And there's like maybe, you know, with the one scene where she goes on the date with the guy and is sitting at the bar and she gets the call from,

[00:18:26] he gets the call from his ex or whatever. The three calls? That, there was a moment in there. That was the closest to funny. There's a moment in there where I chuckle and then it continues and it continues and it continues.

[00:18:39] And so that's how I felt about this movie. It continues and it continues and it continues. I like the general idea of this movie. I would like to give it another shot. Maybe we could go to the drawing board, come up with something. There's something intriguing here.

[00:18:55] But the finished product is so freaking long, guys. I cannot, this, somehow, I know Oppenheimer's longer. Somehow you finish it quicker. I don't know how, but start them simultaneously. You know the time phase continuum in Interstellar? Yeah. Where they poke right through the paper? That's what happens.

[00:19:15] Somehow if you start Oppenheimer and this movie at the same time, you'll be done with the Heimer question. This is not even up to the standards of Santa's wife takes a vacation without him in December. That's right. No, no, it isn't. And becomes a pole dancer movie. Correct.

[00:19:31] Wild. Man, remember that time? An actual movie that we saw. That seems like just high art. Yeah. I'll keep the good times rolling. Twelve Angry Men, Rashomon, Doctor Strange Love, Fargo, The Princess Bride. All of these movies are shorter than Santa's second wife. Oh, no.

[00:19:56] All of those movies, all of the movies that I just mentioned, we are talking movies that do stuff. Doctor Strange Love, Fargo, Princess Bride, Rashomon, they're all shorter than this movie that was made in someone's wood panel housing in the local mall, Brands Be Damned.

[00:20:19] They hired their family and friends. They paid them nothing. They cut nothing. They had nothing. They made a movie that could have been solved with a sleigh ride, and it lasted longer than Doctor Strange Love. Guys, there have maybe been movies that are worse across the board,

[00:20:44] but those movies are 30 minutes shorter than this movie. And if it is that long, imagine how long it feels. What Brands said about Oppenheimer, not wrong. I couldn't wait to escape the living hell that I was a part of.

[00:21:01] The Princess Bride, guys, Inigo Montoya, all of it, it's shorter than this movie. Prepare to die, and I did. And here's the thing is we know in all five of those movies I mentioned, the credit sequence is longer, so it's even shorter. Guys, this is embarrassing.

[00:21:24] I said Werewolf Santa, least favorite experience. We topped it in the same month. We have a new winner. Yeah, Werewolf Santa is like 73 minutes long. This movie is like 100 minutes long. It's just unbelievable. We talk all the time like we could make a movie.

[00:21:42] Watching this made me want to make a movie. Oh, that's sweet. They inspired you. I told Brand if you and I were directing a movie, I don't know how to direct a movie. I don't know crap about crap, but I can tell you this.

[00:21:55] If I saw one of these takes, I'd be like, it's not happening. Shut it down. Everybody just pack it up. I wouldn't. Come back tomorrow and try again. It's not worth it. Everybody get a reset. Let's everybody take five. There's some tangerines and Capri Sun by Craft Services.

[00:22:13] We're at the food court. Knock yourself out. Oh my goodness. We'll get the B-roll. You guys come back tomorrow prepared. I just couldn't. There's so much wrong with the movie that my wait list isn't long because I just couldn't focus. I just couldn't. It's terrible.

[00:22:33] The idea is there, but nothing else. You're 100% right. Everybody went to play golf. I'm so mad. I was so angry at the end of this movie. Sorry, Brand. That's okay. I don't know why you're apologizing to me. I mean, Stanley Kubrick can make a minted classic.

[00:22:52] The last time it took them to slap whatever this is on the screen. They really needed that real estate. I want you to promise me right now that if we ever get to the point in our lives

[00:23:02] where we win like an Oscar, you go on stage and you just thank this movie. I want to thank the movie that is the inspiration for me getting into directing. I was 40 years old and had no desire to direct.

[00:23:14] I saw the movie, and I was like, I'm going to make films. Jean-Luc Godard said the best way to review a movie is to make another movie. So let's do it. There you go. You got some money, Alonzo? Let me check. Let's get to all the feels.

[00:23:32] Everybody goes by Hollywood pride like right now. Let's get to all the feels before we talk about what this movie gives feels. Alonzo? There were two things in this movie that kind of made me think of classic TV specials in passing.

[00:23:51] And so that gave me a little tiny glimmer of hope. First of all, that Santa's wife is named Jessica because Jessica is also the school teacher in Santa Claus is Coming to Town, the one with the Burgermeister Meisterburger and the Kringles and stuff.

[00:24:08] And the super gay elf who designs the clothes reminded me of Hermie, who is the sort of classic gay elf from Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer. So I did admire those two shout outs to much, much better Christmas media. That's about it. Fair enough.

[00:24:26] There is a scene in this movie where it could be anywhere from 20 minutes to an hour into this movie. Don't quote me. One point said, how long do you think is left in this movie? And I was like, you don't want to know.

[00:24:38] And I clicked and there was almost 50 minutes left. I know the feeling there's a there's a scene going on at the North Pole and they got to figure out how do we get out of this and how do we get back into Neve's house?

[00:24:51] And the way that they do it is the start of a sitcom. They it's an exterior establishing shot of her house with one of them at the table and super weird. They don't do it before that or after, but it was fun for me.

[00:25:09] If one of the kids walked in the room in the studio audience, but we. That guy, Dana, I think that's probably the problem with the movie is, is that there's more of that kind of stuff for like John up there as my mentor.

[00:25:24] Like that kind of stuff really does give a movie like wing lift. This movie doesn't have any of that. Obviously, I came to the table with nothing aside from I got like a crisp soda water when this thing was done and it hit hard. So there you go.

[00:25:43] Let's take a quick break. We'll come back with the way what and what the hallmark here on the hallmark. Welcome back, everybody. We're talking about Santa's second wife here on this Monday. Hopefully doing better than us.

[00:26:04] Let's get to the way was we talk about what in this movie minutes go away. What? Oh, so most of this movie is people sitting around suburban tract houses or sitting around malls or sitting around radio stations or sitting around horse farms.

[00:26:22] And these are all very available items. You know, they don't require a lot of movie magic. So there's really only a couple of things that this film had to sort of create from whole cloth to capture the story of the Santas.

[00:26:37] And of course, they do all of them quite badly. Jessica early on before she gets her divorce and youngifies is wearing the wig is wig that ever winged. Like it just looks like it fell off a shelf and landed on her head. And it's like maybe sideways.

[00:26:54] I don't know. But it's so fake. And this thing on top of her head, his Santa beard. Oh, my gosh. Isn't even white. Like thousands of years later. And he's still kind of rocking an Auburn. Like, I don't know what's happening there with the worst.

[00:27:11] I do have to like this is one of mine. And I'm since you brought it, like it is the worst Santa I've ever seen in one of these movies. At one point, his belt is on top of his belly. Yes, that's the other thing.

[00:27:25] He's supposed to get thin after he turns 40. But like the padding on him for fat Santa is never effective. It's terrible. The beard's bad. The performance is bad. The belt is above the belly. That's ridiculous. Like it's crazy. It's just like the lady who cosplays Mrs.

[00:27:44] Santa for their date. And that's a movie I would want to see about like the Santa dating circle is a better Mrs. Claus. Jessica is the beginning of this movie.

[00:27:54] And then obviously the big capper of all of the Christmas magic that they can't quite muster here is the plywood sleigh. Yeah, like a cardboard sleigh a few weeks ago. This is different. This is worse. Somehow I get like you could you under the paint.

[00:28:10] You can practically see the particle board lines like it's just so I mean, I get it. This is not a high budget movie or ever. But like this is your one expense. You rent a real sleigh from somebody because this is just not photographing well at all.

[00:28:28] The notion that like that Santa gets to have a divorce and it's okay with God. That was that set my head spinning. Not only was it okay with God, it was okay with God to the tune of and you get to return to the prime of your life.

[00:28:42] Yeah, right. Like that's like a really, really good deal. Like great deal. Sure. Live 1700 years, fly around the world and then at some point go back to being 40. And you're not going back to 25. You're going to 40 because really that's the that's prime divorce age. I think.

[00:29:02] Yeah, there you go. That is that that's like start shopping for your sports cars or you are 40, you know, the idea that a an influencer is shilling Christmas pajamas on the night of Christmas. Eve.

[00:29:18] Yeah, no way is a stretch, which I'll even forgive the idea of a dating service that's called Mary anything that's supposed to operate year round. But that one was just too much for me. That said that the North Pole is just like, you know, T-neck New Jersey.

[00:29:35] I don't know what that place even is, but it's just somebody's house. Like, you know, give me like a stock image of a snow drift or something. We do get some stock footage of reindeer because heaven forbid we ever see them attached to the plywood sleigh.

[00:29:53] But that's at least an effort to try and, you know, capture this thing. Yeah, you guys already touched on this in the plot synopsis. The kidnapping conversation. Oh, my God. It's not funny. It's quite unsettling and it goes on and on and on.

[00:30:11] And it's like, you know, I don't generally ever want to see an improv troop that's made up in principle, principally of people under the age of 15.

[00:30:19] And I especially don't want to see that improv troop tackle the idea that a strange guy at the mall is about to kidnap you. Didn't work for me.

[00:30:28] If that's really what he's scared of, like, and you know this, you just go up to this dude and be like, hey, my kid thinks you're going to kidnap me. The way she handles it is so weird. She doesn't want to give us a secret.

[00:30:40] If someone goes up to you and says, hey, just nod. No, I'm not. And thank goodness he didn't. I'm going to need you to walk me through this first. Oh, yeah. This movie's take on divorce.

[00:30:57] Like, I have no problem with people who need to end a relationship and for whatever reasons, like the spark that was once there is gone. This movie like, OK, I get it. Jessica is portrayed as awful and just gets worse as the movie proceeds. Yeah.

[00:31:15] But when when Elf number one, who, by the way, they never put an equal amount of rouge on his cheeks. There's always one that's redder than the other one. At one point, literally says she left you. She doesn't deserve anything. I know it's brutal. OK, come on.

[00:31:32] Which is then followed up by the conversation of her showing up and springing the notion of alimony, which is movies like, ew, yuck. What? Like, she's not wrong. I mean, after seventeen hundred years of supporting this guy.

[00:31:45] I mean, I'm not saying go full California, you know, split it down the middle, but kick her a little something sort of quality of living. Yes, yes. One hundred percent. I think that is absolutely, you know, not beyond the pale to ask for.

[00:31:57] But this movie's like, oh, no. What are you? The flip of that is, I think the movie in implying that divorce like that this divorce is causing this also implies that Santa needs a wife.

[00:32:13] Like he gets divorced and he is immediately like, what am I going to do about Mrs. Claus? Like, is that that necessary? He started this without a wife. Some men just don't know how to be alone.

[00:32:27] You know, but yeah, like go and Santa until he finds the right woman. Like, I don't want himself into his work. Like, yeah, no. Yeah. That is a weird thing where it's like, oh, God, I got to get a sub in here quick.

[00:32:38] She is you gets terrible and more terrible as maybe goes on. But he is stuck on the idea that I've been. Can you imagine being married, having a life partner for seventeen hundred years and thinking in the next three months, I got to find a new one?

[00:32:52] Where's my rebound? No, no, no. Oh, you outdate the black plague. You can't yourself. You can't just jump into something. Oh, that's another thing. Thank you. The way they keep talking about, oh, things have changed, you know, on Earth or things are more expensive now.

[00:33:13] It's like the feudal system was happening. The last time you were on Earth, like you're you're taking cars and penicillin with great ease. I don't know how this is such a breezy thing. And then finally, he gets married on his busiest day of the year.

[00:33:32] Like they couldn't do it any other day. And then she goes with them. They have to pack all of that into a great point. Like that just seems like a lot to ask of the elves of everybody. Yeah, I have a few as well.

[00:33:45] One, they at the beginning, they're arguing about, you know, you're so busy all the time. Yeah. And one of one of visibly bad. One of the things that he's busy with is training the reindeer. And like, man, don't they have this down by now? It's been 1700 years.

[00:34:07] What are you teaching them? Here's how you go up and here's how you go down. Like you there. They're trained. They're not the immortality umbrella with Santa. Every Christmas, he watches film and he's like, look at your draft. Your comment. That's embarrassing.

[00:34:22] We got to get back in the simulator and really get this right. He's got a little chalk circles. As you can see, he was not going to work. Keeps rewinding. You happy with this? You're happy with this, Donner? This is you think this is your best right here.

[00:34:38] Blitzen, you dumb bee. Yeah, Blitzen, you think this is your best right here. It's like you guys all think. Who do you think you are? I am. That's right. Yeah. Hayden is not. Dasher, you've been trasher lately. If you could get it together. Rudolph more like snoot off.

[00:34:56] Am I right? Snooze stuff. We'll get there. Hayden is not remotely thrown, surprised. Nothing. That Santa is there. He's like, yo, what's up? I got a kid confirming Santa and his reaction is like, what's up, bro? I'm just here for some water. Yeah, I don't need you. Right.

[00:35:17] Like, I'll just let you do your thing. I loved that when he gets back to the North Pole, they go into the workshop and they have they put for some reason two elves at the back of the slate to like push, but nothing's happening.

[00:35:36] And it's just like, why did you need to do that? Like I think that's part of the reindeer's job is to get it to where it needs to be. But also good luck pushing it. I don't know. Whatever.

[00:35:46] I did get a chuckle that the divorce papers are on a scroll that he has to sign with just a regular pen. I thought that was fun. Santa's Santa's place, his house where he dwells, his crib is not Christmasy in the slightest. Yep. Not at all. Nope.

[00:36:08] You kidding me right now? He's Santa Claus. It's like he doesn't get that one lamppost in front of the driveway. And they do say Mrs. Claus stopped decorating, but you can't. I can't imagine. You're Santa. Yeah, Santa. And when he comes back, it's Christmas. It's do something.

[00:36:26] I just don't know where you where do you get off? I don't I don't I don't appreciate this. This slander that Santa is somehow being like, well, I've got to leave my work at home. I'm not going to decorate for Christmas.

[00:36:41] Get out of here with I gave it the office. The coffee shop is called the coffee shop. I appreciated that. That was fun. There is a there is one montage in this movie where it's Nick and Nev going on multiple

[00:36:57] dates and in one of the scenes, they're walking over this little bridge and Santa stops and it's just like looking at the trees. Like, was he tripping shrooms? Like, what was going on? This guy was like, oh my God, this is friggin nuts right now.

[00:37:18] He's like Santa Samson who likes to go look at the tree. That's right. That's right. I go look at the trees, aka the lights. The lights. Everyone knows what I say. Yes.

[00:37:29] But also they chose this montage for them to have their first kiss and it was really weird and not exciting and I just not not what I wanted only a couple of more when it is about time for Nick to meet the rest of the family.

[00:37:48] They've been dating for, I believe, five months and she's talking to her best friend and she's like Nick is Nick is going to come meet the family and her best friend is like you go straight from dating a guy to introducing them to your kids.

[00:38:04] I feel like there should be steps in between what are five months? What's what step? You're going to bring them in one limb at a time. I don't I don't what are you talking about? Wave at him from a passing car. They've been dating for five months.

[00:38:19] That's the steps. Well, the friend also thinks that he's going to kidnap them clear. Real real concern last but not least. Oh my gosh dad gum it Santa on your wedding day. The part two you're gonna wear a gray suit. Suit. Are you kidding me?

[00:38:44] Your whole thing is a red suit. Yeah, you wear the red suit. You wore a gray suit. I would have been okay with green and then we'll accept green. You come out here with a gray suits.

[00:38:57] They got the suit at the end of Christmas in Carolina is what he needed. Yes. Yes, or you know any of the other outfits that anyone else at the wedding was wearing the kids wearing a Christmas suit. The the daughters are wearing Christmas dresses.

[00:39:13] They all they all got the memo. Everyone got the memo except for freaking Santa Claus gray suit weird green bow tie. Not even a Christmas green bow tie. So hashtag not my fan. Not my absolutely Dano.

[00:39:26] I'm not mad at a movie that doesn't have a budget to do Christmas magic. I'm not mad at that movie. But when the entirety of your film hinges on movie magic, you have a problem like this movie like it takes an hour for them to start dating.

[00:39:44] It does but the whole thing the big all is lost moment is you're not really Santa. Why would you claim to be Santa it there? It's so easy to prove that you're Santa so easy. You have flying reindeer. You have sleigh you have North Pole.

[00:40:02] They can't use any of that this movie. It does come in an hour 12 if he's like, you don't believe I'm Santa. Hold on one second and he brings the sleigh through she gets inside it. The movies over it's done say goodnight.

[00:40:17] The movies over but they can't do that in this movie because they don't have access to public domain or here's the thing or you at least come with a smart reason why that isn't going to work.

[00:40:29] For example a movie we all liked recently catch me if you Claus. Yeah, it was called with the Luke McFarlane a homework movie. She doesn't believe that he is Santa's son and there are reasons why she doesn't believe

[00:40:42] it because he can't immediately call upon the things that Santa could call upon to fix it that movie had what I believe they call in technical terms a writer and I think yes probably a lot. Yeah, I believe it's a Nina Weidman joint which helps even more.

[00:40:58] She knows what she's doing early in this movie. We have our influencer on Christmas Eve night finishing selling her Christmas pajamas and then she goes put all her kids to bed and she gets to her oldest daughter and she walks

[00:41:09] in her daughter is reading a book not on a Kindle or like an actual paper book of substance and she's like you gotta put that book away right now and the daughter begs her to read one more chapter lady your teenager is on Christmas break reading a book.

[00:41:31] She's reading a book girls doing the thing Dan's been begging me to do for years. I've literally been telling brand to read a book for a decade. She's reading a book for fun. She's getting something.

[00:41:44] She's gleaning education for herself on Christmas break and you're like you gotta put that away you gotta put that novel away. What readers of the essential Hallmark film guide I'll be home for Christmas movies will recognize this trope from films like Hope at Christmas and Christmas at Graceland.

[00:42:05] Oh my gosh. Oh, they did it. It's what that book multiple times. Yeah, put that book down and go to bed right this second young lady. It's Christmas time on Christmas break try to expand your knowledge. You know, I mean, it's crazy.

[00:42:19] She's not reading an Archie comic over there. Like she's got a novel out. Why in the world of all nights let the girl are you kidding me? Yeah, I was embarrassing. She even says it's not like I've got school in the morning and like, you know, the kids

[00:42:34] are all gonna wake up early to open presents but no put that book down the motivation of Jessica Claus escapes me I get if you decide to end your marriage or partnership because

[00:42:46] you want different things and if she has said I just don't want to do the mrs. Claus bit anymore. That's fine. She wants him to stop being Santa Claus. That is the motivation of Jessica causes. I actually still want to be your partner after 1700 years.

[00:43:06] I just want you to stop doing the thing you were doing before I met you that is your entire identity like it is just absurd. It's not like hey, I married a 22 year old who liked to play video games all weekend

[00:43:21] and he's 42 and he still does it all weekend and she thought he'd change that is not what this is. This is an a millennia long occupation. You've long given up on retirement at this point. Yeah, you have to the first 1500 years yet to expect.

[00:43:36] Yes, it's right once you know what they say about men is once they do something for a thousand years. There's just no hope. There's just no hope. They're going to break that habit.

[00:43:45] No, you know, so I don't saying I couldn't believe that that was like if she just was like I'm out of here that would have made a little bit more sense. Like I want to go back to being 40. I'm done with you. Okay, great.

[00:43:56] Yeah, she's tired of but for her to me just said hey, I've been looking over the the the agreement and turns out if I call it quits. He's I go back to being 40. I got can't argue with that. I'm out of here. That's pretty dope.

[00:44:11] Do your thing pretty dope. Yeah, and that is why usually these movies are about like the child of the Santas who needs to get married or find a wife to inherit the blah blah blah blah divorcing Santa.

[00:44:24] This is a real opens up a lot of questions that this movie is not nearly prepared to Jessica Claus thought he was going through a Santa phase. He's gonna get out of this phase any day now. I know it.

[00:44:38] And then lastly we've talked a lot about the costuming in this movie, which is non-existent the head elf. What's his name? Kingston. Kingston. Kingston he is wearing a green Elf's outfit and whatever. It's a green else outfit, but right but they decide someone somewhere making this movie

[00:45:04] decided that they needed to glue a hand cut out red dot like singular red dot right here. Not like a pattern and not like it's in the costume someone hand cut a red dot and then glued it on to this outfit. Why did they do it?

[00:45:29] Like if they intend to like right head elf on there and like for guys looking out to me, you know that you've got a problem like it's not it doesn't make any sense.

[00:45:38] It is the it is the it is still to me more than a gray suit at your wedding. You why did you bring out the cheek Rouge? I don't know. I do. I don't understand so you know what this is missing something somebody get me my my scissors

[00:45:52] and some Elmer's we'll figure it out together. Also the clear the clear silly putty elf ears were tough. Oh just do regular years. We're not gonna we're not gonna talk about it. We find what we would have noticed we wouldn't have been like this movie would have held

[00:46:12] up aside from the ears not being pointy. I was promised elf Danny got anything else. That's it. It's time for the Hallmark. It's where we wonder what could have been maybe helping us to clear any questions that we still have Alonzo. What are you still wondering about anything?

[00:46:26] I want to unpack the whole you become 40 again thing because the deal is God said they would be immortal. But if they get divorced then they both revert to being 40 and I assume that Santa gets to

[00:46:41] remain immortal because he's Santa and we need him to do the gives that up is Jessica gonna die now. Yeah, or is she still immortal? But like did she get that in the settlement?

[00:46:52] If she is if she loses her immortality then why wouldn't Santa just because he's Santa or because he's the one that didn't want to get to like it's a mess. It's a mess of a premise. It just is.

[00:47:06] Yeah, I have like in that same vein like now that Santa's remarried. How does that affect his age to yeah. What is does he go back? Does he have to get remarried?

[00:47:19] Does God want us all to be married so badly that the only way you can have immortality is to go back and get married again. I'm assuming now he and Nev will age together eternally. Right? Yes, that's great with bad wigs. But what's the point of it?

[00:47:35] What's like why make them get old though if they can go back to being 40 does it? Well, yeah, they put a little work into all of it. Anyway, there is a throwaway line in this movie when Sean Kingston comes into Santa's

[00:47:51] house on the 26th and Santa is sad. He's in his 40s now and he has a robe on and he looks at Santa and he says have you why are you dressed like you're going to a bunny party?

[00:48:08] And like I took that as Santa has a history of going to playboy parties because Kingston saw him and said, oh, I know what I know where you're going. Is it a grotto? You're going at half. Is that does the Santa have a history with the half?

[00:48:29] What's going on? I think they I think what it means is like we are wearing a robe. Look like Hugh Hefner, but they didn't want to say that. So they say a bunny party. It just really made me think like, oh what you're in your bunny costume.

[00:48:42] I know this. I know you're getting ready to go. But also this movie if you watch it, you notice radio DJs Anna and Raven are featured. We almost did it. We almost made the whole I don't know who Anna and Raven are their radio DJs.

[00:48:59] They got some sort of show. They do a podcast whatnot. But when you Google the movie, it brings you to the Anna and Raven website. Alonzo sent it over. It was the first thing I looked at this morning. So that was fun. And six in the morning.

[00:49:10] I was like, what is it? And it says Anna. It says Anna and Raven made a movie. They teamed up with Gemelli films to bring our Christmas movie to life. And I just want to know about that. So it's not unprecedented that podcasters would make a movie.

[00:49:28] No, no, it's not. But they tend to bring it to life. They also they don't get the credit of writing it. That goes to Candy Cane, who also directed the movie. So what was did they just have the initial idea? How'd they get hooked up with Candy Cane?

[00:49:46] They wrote Santa's Second Life on a note card. And then they went and they're in it a good bitch in this movie. So very, very interested in how all of it came to be. Yeah, mine is about Candy Cane.

[00:50:01] The movie starts and in the credits up front, it says written and directed by Candy Cane. And I was like, are you kidding me? We looked it up and this woman is named Candace Cane. My question is pretty simple. Then we can go. Does she go by?

[00:50:14] Does she really go by Candy all the time? Is she really Candy Cane? And was it a fun Christmas? Or was it a fun Christmas thing? I just can't imagine her deciding as a life choice. I call me Candy Cane. That's that's it. That's all I got.

[00:50:28] Because she makes non-holiday movies, so you don't want to pay yourself into that. That's right. You don't. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like calling yourself Deck the Hallmark. Okay, guys, next week we're going to a movie. So help me hold on.

[00:50:44] This movie I've heard and by heard, I mean, I read some actual reviews. People like it. Okay, Colin Mockery's in it. Okay, okay. Colin Mockery's in it.

[00:50:57] It was it's not on as far as I know you have to rent it on Prime, but I felt like it might be worth it. This is how to ruin the holidays. How to ruin the holidays. It's on Prime.

[00:51:14] Some other things and it's about a comedian who goes back to live with it. Colin Mockery's presence means it has to be better than this. But I mean, the string we're on right now is just not a good one. I know, I know, I know.

[00:51:25] We're on quite the streak. Maybe we're going to break that streak. I know, I know. All right, everybody, we'll be back next time with another one. Until then, maybe we're the first to wish you a Merry Christmas.

[00:51:34] Deck the Hallmarks, a Bramble Jam podcast is produced by Aaron Shay. What? For more information on Deck the Hallmark, you can go to deckthehallmark.com. For more information on the Deck the Hallmark family, you can go to bramblejamplus.com. Deck the Hallmark is presented by Philo TV.

[00:51:47] For a free trial of Philo, go to philo.tv slash DTH. You're about to hear some ads that help keep the lights on here in the old studio. Thanks for listening or don't listen. It's really up to you at this point. It's at the end of the show.

[00:52:12] I mean, you're listening to me, hi. But here they come. I promise they're coming. Yep, here they are. Happy day.